Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Things That Are "Not My Favorite" About Memphis

Also known as: Why I Hate Memphis OR Things I Won't Miss When I Leave This City

  1. The crime: Hello! Car broken into, radio stolen...not fun.
  2. The horrible drivers: They even make ME look like a good driver! Jeesh!
  3. The weird smell: So, for some reason it smells kind of like a chicken processing plant sometimes. It's not all the time, and it's not a yummy-Memphis-BBQ kind of smell. It's clearly something strange, like a chicken processing plant. You might be saying, "Hey, Colby. How do you know what a chicken processing plant smells like?" Well, friend, I lived in Athens for five years, and much of that time I lived near the chicken plants on Tallassee Road. Also, there's a lot of rural-ality (yeah, I just made that up) around Athens and other places I've lived in my life, so one might expect that chickens (and the plants required to process them) would be hanging around. One would think that a moderately-sized city, such as Memphis, would not have such an aroma. One would be wrong. We are just across the river from Arkansas, though. Maybe that explains it.

This is just the beginning of this list. I'm sure it will get longer and longer as the year progresses. I'll also add additional points under the above gripes. (The bad drivers could be a blog post all on their own.) However, I wanted to get these out of my brain and posted into this cyberspace thing tonight.

Monday, November 5, 2007

The most disgusting week ever

About three weeks ago, I had, as the title suggests, the most disgusting week ever. It was so crazy and funny (after each event), that I thought I would share it with all of you. I'll begin at the end, which was the least disgusting thing of the week, and work my way back.

So on Saturday morning I wake up to take Rory for a quick little morning walk. On Saturdays, I like to sleep in; however, Rory does not. Therefore, we were up and outside around 6:30 for Rory to do her thing. When we came back inside, I decided to go back to sleep for a little bit to be truly lazy. Before heading back to bed, though, I had my own potty break. Perfectly normal and undisgusting so far... Well, I bought this new toilet paper at Walgreen's about a week before the incident, and apparently this is super-clogging paper. When I flushed, the completely reasonable amount of paper clogged the toilet and began to make the darn thing flood my bathroom. Luckily it didn't flood it too bad, and I was able to clean up the water. However, I had to stay up cleaning and mopping the floor, instead of getting more well-deserved sleep.

The day before, on Friday, I awoke as normal to take Rory for a walk. It was about 5:30 and still very dark outside. We walked up Union Ave. to Main St., as we sometimes do. As we were walking down Main St., Rory eyed one of Memphis's many rats scurrying along the sidewalk. The rat moved over into the shadow of a trolley stop, and I thought it was gone. However, as we approached the stop, the rat was close by. I guess city rats are slow because Rory managed to catch it in her mouth and proceed to shake it from side to side. Of course I began screaming "No! Drop it! Stop!" Guess what...noone came to help. Kind of makes you wary of what would happen if I was yelling "No! Stop!" because someone was attacking me. The rat must have moved in a way that scared Rory or something (or possibly hurt her) because she suddenly jumped a little bit and dropped the rat. The rat moved over into the shadows again, and we hurried home, hoping to not run into any more rodents.

So, the beginning of the whole disgusting week was a rainy Monday. I came home from work, changed clothes, and walked Rory. I decided to take out the trash before going to work out, so I got a bag of trash and a broken lamp to take down to the trash shute. As I'm tossing the lamp down the shute, I realize that I have also let go of my keys...into the shute. Yikes! I went to my apartment management office and told them what had happened. They were not very interested in helping me, and they said that maybe the maintenance folks would be able to help me the next day but not that day because it wasn't an "emergency." I told them that if they could at least show me where the trash went, I'd see what I could do to retrieve my keys. After telling me that they had no clue where the trash went, one of the leasing agents called the maintenance crew and found out where the door to the dumpster was located. She walked around the side of the building with me (in the rain!) and tried to unlock the door, but it was stuck. The other leasing agent then tried to unlock the door, and he was successful. I entered the little dumpster chamber to find two small dumpsters, one with a lid and one right next to it what was open with the shute emptying into it from above. I quickly climbed up on top of the lidded dumpster (all that working out and swimming/getting in and out of the pool really helped give me the oomph to get up there). I looked in and immediately spotted my keys at the bottom next to the only two bags of trash in the dumpster. The leasing agent handed me a broom handle that was in the dumpster chamber, and I used it to move the trash bags out of the way. I then unfolded a wire hanger that was on the floor of the chamber and commenced trying to "fish" out my keys. I hooked them several times, but they kept falling off before I could pull them up. I was still trying, when all of a sudden I heard a door open from above. I shouted "Don't drop your trash down here," and got out of the way just as a bag of trash descended toward my head. The trash bag covered up all of the work I had just accomplished, so I told the leasing agent that I had no choice but to hop in there and get my keys. So that's what I did...hop in, flip flops and all, and extract my keys from a puddle of dumpster sludge. I hopped quickly out of the dumpster and thanked the leasing agent for all his help. He replied "That's okay. I think that's the coolest thing I've ever seen." I immediately went home, showered thrice, and soaked my keys in bleach!

So there's the most disgusting week ever. Neither Rory nor I have shown any adverse effects from our adventures (such as, like the black plague or tetanus), so I guess we're okay.